Consider Mediation before Grievance/Disciplinary
Why should charities or other caring organisations consider conflict first aid or mediation before grievance or disciplinary procedures? A grievance procedure may actually intensify conflict and divisions, especially if it is lengthy, complex or inconclusive. Disciplinary procedures create defensiveness, and even end up in the party starting a grievance procedure. In small organisations, it is…
Read MoreMy Apology Is Not Accepted: Now what?
How do I feel when my apology isn’t accepted? Years ago, in a conversation with a good friend, I inadvertently said something that obviously upset them and the conversation ended abruptly. Mystified, I phoned back on several occasions and started to apologise, however, it was obvious that talking on the phone wasn’t an option. Upset,…
Read MorePlease Listen–A Universal Plea
“Please listen” “Not now” “I need you to listen” “In a minute” “You are the worst parent in the world, you don’t care” (or throws self on floor in temper) One of my earliest memories is tugging at my mother’s skirt, trying to get her attention. I’m sure my kids have similar memories. Sometimes, it…
Read MoreJustice and Judgement
Do we want justice or judgement? Most people want justice–at least for themselves. Human beings are continually judging situations, themselves and others. Often we confuse the two. Children have a strong sense of justice. When someone does something wrong, they insist on punishment or recompense. Deep inside, we all tend to agree, even if we…
Read MoreAvoiding Difficult Conversations is Unkind
Avoiding difficult conversations is unkind??? For many people talking about sensitive or negative matters seems mean and unkind. Avoiding mentioning it seems kinder. Nice people frequently tend to avoid conflict, by ignoring difficult issues. Caring professions, charities and companies with a “nice” image procrastinate when addressing unwanted behaviour. They make allowances, drop hints and make…
Read MoreDifficult Conversations: Wills, Death and Powers of Attorney
Topics that rank high as difficult conversations: Wills, Death and Powers of Attorney. We feel uncomfortable thinking about our own deaths or those close to us dying. We know it’s important–but now isn’t a good time. The longer you wait, the harder and more urgent these decisions are. Are you playing peekaboo and hiding from…
Read MoreHow To Reduce Misunderstanding
Reduce misunderstanding–is that possible? Most of the conflicts I deal with as a mediator start with a misunderstanding. Even small misunderstandings potentially lead to damaged relationships or breakdowns of communication. Why do misunderstandings occur Our brains are continually trying to find patterns in the world and other people. If we spot a pattern, it makes…
Read MoreMaking Myself Redundant
As a parent, manager and mediator, my mission has always been making myself redundant. Seem strange? Especially as I am someone that needs to be needed and as a self-employed person only earn money when people to use my services. So why do I have this seemingly self-destructive tendency? It’s a choice between leaving a…
Read MorePebbles and difficult decisions
One of the difficult decisions we face every weekend is where to go! Durham is within easy reach of cities, mountains, woods, moors and the seaside. As well as gorgeous sandy beaches (not many blackened by coal now), the North East of England coast has ones lots of interesting rocks and pebbles. So after some…
Read More4 Steps to Say No Nicely
When we say no nicely it actually stops destructive conflict. Yet so often we say yes when we know that no is the right answer. Why we say yes when we should say no Sometimes we don’t say no because we fear upsetting others. We say yes without thinking it through. We get in the…
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